


Thy Kingdom Come

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, And John, Humanstuck, I need sleep, John and dave are soulmates, John and dave have never met, John jerks off in a church, M/M, Masturbation, Or caffeine, Preferably caffeine, Someone send me Coffee, Vriska being an asshole, Vriska likes bubblegum, Vriska likes john, church, help me, its 3am, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-23 03:03:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4860599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one with a church and a talkative vicar</p><p>(Soulmate au where john and dave get boners at the same times)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thy Kingdom Come

**Author's Note:**

> i'm very sleep deprived idk how much ass this sucks but i hope its okay. if i made any spelling or grammar mistakes feel free to scream at me in the comments thanks

DAVE: be home alone, at last.

You hear the door shut, a sound meaning that your bro finally left. You almost do a victory dance, but don't, because victory dances aren't cool. A victory dance is something that someone like Jade Harley would do, and you're pretty fucking sure you're not Jade Harley.

Being home alone means you can finally take care of The Problem (yes, it needs capitalization). "The Problem" is that your bro keeps on spontaneously appearing in your room to engage in some sick ass combat when all you wanna do is jerk off. The Problem is enhanced by the fact that Lil Cal is always watching you with his fucking beady eyes, and you can't get off with that thing around. But you're not scared of him. You're most definitely not. Dirk is hardly part of the problem since he's almost always at that Jake English guy's house, who has the fakest fucking accent.

The point is, you need to jerk off or you're going to explode next time you wake up with morning wood, or when you get one of those weird random boners that keep (quite literally) popping up all the time now. You look around your room, checking that there's no rogue puppets anywhere, and get in the bed, taking your pants and boxers off.

JOHN: Freak out.

You are almost 98% sure that God hates you. Why else would you be getting a boner at church? Especially when the choir are singing Come, all Ye Faithful. There is no reason you should be turned on right now, but then ther was also no reason for you to have a boner when you had your head stuck into some sweaty guys armpit on the subway, and you did! Maybe you should tell Jake about these weird boners. He might know what to do.

You think of your nana naked, fruit gushers, cold showers and even minion porn but nothing's helping. You shift in your seat, glad that it seems like nobody's seen the tent that's formed in your pants.

You lean over to your dad and mumble something about needing the toilet before running out of the room into the corridor. You're almost at the restrooms when Vriska appears seemigly out of nowhere, right in front of you, popping her pink bubblegum right in your face.

"Hey Johnny," she says, leaning against the wall and twirling her hair around her finger. "Why aren't you in the chapel? The choir is really rocking the stage!" She giggles.

"I just, erm, I need to get to the toilet. It's kinda urgent." You cringe 'kinda urgent'?? Who even says that? 

She pouts. "But you're going to miss the grand finale! I heard they gave the blonde girl, what's her name again? Rose! Yeah, I heard they gave her a solo right at the end! Isn't she your friend?"

Shit, yeah, you promised Rose you'd be there to see her sing. But your boner isn't going away, and neither is Vriska from the looks of it.

"We're not really close. And if the 'finale' is so great, why don't you go watch it? I really need to get to the toilet!" You say, using all your willpower to get your boner down.

She pouts again. "Okay, but come meet me afterwards, and we can maybe go out and eat something?" Her pout shifts into a flirtatious smile, and you swear you can see the lights reflecting the face of Satan in her lip gloss.

"Sure, yeah, that'd be great." You shove past her and carry on down the corridor, pushing the bathroom door open and pulling your pants down as soon as you get in a stall.

You finally wrap your hand around your dick and stroke slowly, getting quicker as you get closer to coming. You don't even need to think of anything to get off, and your-

"John? John Egbert?" You recognise the vicars voice. Your dad had warned you about how he likes to talk as he does his business.

"Yessir," shit, your voice is all raspy and deep and stuff. You clear your throat. "How did you know it was me?"

"I always know when a son of God is in pain." In pain? Maybe you weren't being quiet enough and he misunderstood the moans.

"Yeah, my dad's taking me to the doctors after this," you hope he doesn't catch onto your lie.

"I hope everything goes well, son." The sentence is punctuated by a loud fart. You are nearly knocked out by the stench and don't reply for fear of tasting the montruous thing.

The next few minutes pass in silence, interrupted only by farts and finally the flushing sound. As soon as the vicar leaves - without washing his hands - your hand settles around your sching member and you barely get five strokes in when you come all over your Sunday best. You clean up the best you can with toilet paper and pull your pants up.

As you're washing your hands, a pesterchum notification pops up.

FRIEND REQUEST FROM turntechGodhead

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> a big thanks to ceili, who came up with the whole vicar in the restroom thing. the whole church thing was my idea though rip. please pray for me  
> also this is unbeta'd so im pretty sure the whole thing is full of mistakes, my apologies. my tumblr is lnarlequingirls, hmu ;)))  
> and i wrote all this while having two songs stuck in my head wow im hardcore. oh and i apologise for the dave part bc i know it sucks but i wanted like some backstory or something. yeah  
> oh and once again pls prai 4 me bc im pretty sure im going to hell thanx


End file.
